The Quiet Grief of Perfectionism & People Pleasing: Naming the Losses
Just like this carnation slowly blooming, healing from perfectionism and people-pleasing takes time. Each unfurling petal represents a quiet grief acknowledged, and a piece of yourself reclaimed.
Healing from perfectionism and people-pleasing isn’t just empowering. It’s disorienting. Lonely. Grief-soaked. What most people won’t tell you is that letting go of these identities, especially when they’ve helped you survive, comes with loss. Quiet losses. Invisible ones. Losses that don’t get sympathy cards or casseroles dropped off at your door, but that cut deep all the same. Every change in our life, whether ‘good’ or ‘bad’, comes with both gains and losses.
If you’ve spent years shaping yourself into who others needed you to be, then healing isn’t just about setting boundaries and speaking up. It’s about grieving who you had to become in the first place, everything that gets shaken loose when you stop, and all the forgiving yourself for your past choices.
This is the part of the healing process that can’t be bypassed. And if you’re a therapist, caregiver, or lifelong overfunctioner doing the slow work of reclaiming yourself: I see you. I know you. This post is for you.
Shedding the Old Armor
Perfectionism and people-pleasing don’t happen in a vacuum. You weren’t born needing to be the best, the peacekeeper, the emotional sponge. Those tendencies likely served a very real purpose at some point in your life. They kept you safe. People-pleasing protected you from emotional volatility, shame, and punishment. Perfectionism earned you approval, stability, or connection in environments where being “too much,” “too emotional,” or “too needy” wasn’t allowed. But once you realize these survival strategies are now harming more than helping, you begin to lay them down. Gently. Reluctantly. One thread at a time. You are learning to walk around the world differently.
And as you do, something unexpected happens: grief.
The Grief No One Warns You About
The grief of healing perfectionism and people-pleasing is quiet but profound. While we may not immediately recognize our feelings as grief, because technically, no one died. However, past versions of us have died. Our reality has died. The anger, confusion, denial, and sadness found in traditional grief are also present when we grieve our healing. Sometimes, grief doesn’t come with dramatic endings. It comes in moments:
When a friend stops texting you because you no longer bend over backward to accommodate their chaos.
When a client looks disappointed that you didn’t overextend to squeeze them in.
When you say “I don’t have the capacity for that” in a group, and realize everyone is shocked and confused.
When you have to leave relationships when you realize that you were appreciated for what you did for him, not who for your heart.
These moments carry a message:
Your role in the world is shifting. You are growing.
And not everyone is coming with you into this new world.
You May Lose Relationships, But That Doesn’t Mean You’re Doing It Wrong
This is one of the hardest parts. As you start honoring your limits, expressing your real opinions, or just saying “no,” some people will react with confusion, discomfort, or even distance.
Why?
Because they were used to a version of you that always said yes. That always scheduled the meeting, made the reservation, took the late shift, remembered their birthday, and anticipated their needs. You were a role. A service. A certainty. It’s tempting to assume that once you start changing, the people in your life won’t follow.
Because now, you’re asking for mutuality. And not everyone knows what to do with that. But others will surprise you.
This doesn’t mean you’re doing healing wrong. It means the dynamics are adjusting. Some will stretch and grow with you. Others will fall away. Give your relationships a chance to recalibrate. You don’t need to pre-emptively end every friendship or guard yourself with suspicion. Communicate your changes with compassion and consistency. Let people meet the real you. Let them rise to the occasion. If they cannot, that is solid evidence to consider when deciding to continue (or not) the relationship. Otherwise, you might find that some relationships deepen when you stop performing in them.
Both responses from others are data. Neither defines your worth.
Re-Evaluating Your Place in the Group
When you’ve always been the “responsible one,” “the unofficial therapist,” “the one everyone calls in a crisis,” that role becomes your identity. It gives you a place, one that feels secure, even if it’s suffocating. But once you step out of that role?
You may suddenly feel lost in the group dynamics you once anchored. Your footing is unsure. You’re not the emotional anchor anymore. You’re not the organizer, the advice-giver, the late-night listener. So who are you now?
It’s disorienting to go from being central to being undefined. But this undefined space is also where you rediscover who you are outside of being useful. It offers the opportunity to experience what it is like to communicate your needs in a relationship clearly and to accept care from others.
Now You Have to Ask: What Do I Like? What Do I Need?
One of the most unsettling parts of recovery from people-pleasing is realizing how little you know about yourself.
What do I like to eat when no one else is watching?
Do I even enjoy that TV show, or did I just go along with it?
What emotion is that?!
What kind of support do I need when I’m sad?
These questions sound simple, but they cut deep when you’ve spent your life monitoring and mirroring everyone else. When you’ve been so attuned to keeping the peace, you’ve stopped recognizing your own preferences. This opportunity to rediscover yourself is why therapy for therapists in Texas often includes identity work, even in late stages of burnout recovery. Because the process of unmasking yourself can feel like meeting a stranger, and realizing that she is you.
It’s Okay to Miss the Old You, Even If She Was Exhausted
You might find yourself romanticizing the old version of you. The one who got praise for being dependable. Who never dropped the ball. Who never showed her mess. Who was liked by everyone because she never took up too much space.
She was tired, yes. But she was predictable. Accepted. Approved.
Missing her doesn’t mean you want to go back. It just means you’re grieving the familiarity. The way she knew the rules. The way her sacrifices made everyone else more comfortable. I can remember a time when I was able to attend graduate school full-time, work full-time, manage a three-hour commute, and work out six days a week without looking like I missed an hour of sleep. But on the inside, I was hollow, cynical, and desperate for someone to take care of me. She is familiar, but she is not comfortable.
But you know now: that familiarity came at the cost of your wholeness.
Grieving the Childhood You Thought You Had
Another quiet grief often emerges mid-healing: realizing you didn’t have the perfect childhood you once believed. Maybe your caregivers loved you deeply, but still modeled emotional suppression, rewarded overachievement, or made affection conditional on performance. Maybe no one ever told you, “you don’t have to earn rest.” So you learned to equate your worth with being helpful, successful, and invisible.
Recognizing all parts of your childhood doesn’t mean your parents were evil. It means you’re allowed to tell the truth about your early environment, even if it doesn’t match the narrative you once clung to. Most likely, your childhood was neither a fairytale nor a horror story. It had elements of both, because life is rarely just one thing at a time. No matter what, you’re allowed to grieve the innocence you lost in learning to shape-shift.
Burnout therapy with me (Aubrey Richardson, LPC) includes acknowledging all parts of our reality without shame, blame, or judgment. We cannot fully heal what we continue to deny, distort, or romanticize. Instead, we recognize the truth and label our responses as helpful in reaching our body's ultimate goal: keeping us safe.
Grieving the Life You Didn't Live
There’s also grief for the things you never did, because you were too busy holding it all together. Or, too busy worrying about how other people will react to your decision. This might include:
The trips you didn’t take.
The hobbies you never explored.
The friendships you didn’t deepen.
The years of your life spent managing someone else’s crisis or walking on emotional eggshells.
The grief is sharp because it’s real. You did miss out. You were the one making sure everyone else got to live fully, even when it meant shrinking yourself. Every time you said yes to one person, you were saying no to every other opportunity.
But here’s what’s also true:
There’s still time.
You still get to choose.
You get to change your mind as many times as you want.
And you’re allowed to make different choices starting now.
Embracing the Work of Burnout Therapy
Burnout therapy isn’t just about learning how to rest, practice more after-care skills, or say no. It’s about sitting in the uncomfortable middle place where you’re no longer who you were, but not yet who you’re becoming.
It’s about:
Learning to tolerate the uncertainty of growth and change
Validating the grief of no longer being needed in the same way
Naming the losses (and the freedom) that come with not performing for others
Creating space to explore your voice, values, and identity
Building relationships rooted in reciprocity & mutuality instead of obligation
This work is nuanced. Tender. Brave. Frightening. And if you’re a therapist or helping professional doing this work in Texas, you deserve a space that honors how complex it really is.
You Are Worth Knowing, Even When You’re Not Performing
You are allowed to take up space.
You are allowed to be liked for your heart and have boundaries.
You are allowed to grieve the life that people-pleasing gave you, even if it was never sustainable.
You are allowed to be lost in the in-between.
And you don’t have to do this alone.
At Sage Holistic Counseling, I specialize in burnout therapy and therapy for therapists in Texas. I know the soul-deep burnout of being a healthcare professional trying to manage your perfectionism, people-pleasing, and overachieving. If you’re ready to move beyond perfectionism and into the messy, beautiful work of meeting yourself, I’d love to help you name what’s been lost and build what comes next.
Click HERE to schedule your first session or visit: www.SageHolisticCounseling.com/contact