When Gratitude Feels Like Gaslighting: Redefining Gratitude
As November rolls around and we are surrounded by messages of gratitude, familiar phrases start to show up in therapy sessions: “I should be grateful,” “I shouldn’t feel this way,” and other variations of self-dismissal that subtly encourage us to ignore our struggles. And to be honest, it’s such bullshit.
Society’s push toward gratitude can be uplifting, yes, but for many of us, it can also feel invalidating and like a form of self-gaslighting. We absorb cultural messages that say, “You have it good, so don’t complain,” and we end up talking ourselves out of our own reality. This is especially true when gratitude becomes a way to suppress real, complex feelings.
Let’s explore why statements like “I should be grateful” can become a kind of emotional gaslighting and how we can redefine gratitude in a way that honors the full truth of our experience.
The “I Should Be Grateful” Trap
Many of us start conversations with a deep sigh, saying, “I know I should be grateful; I have it so much better than others.” For high-achieving people, this thought might sound responsible or humble, like an effort to stay grounded or acknowledge privilege. But underneath, it often reinforces a painful pattern: dismissing our own feelings and experiences in favor of appearing “grateful enough.”
When we repeat “I should be grateful” as a way to shut down sadness, anger, or disappointment, we are gaslighting ourselves. We become both the invalidator and the invalidated. We tell ourselves that our pain doesn’t count, that our emotions are too much, that other people would handle it better.
When our entire experience is reduced to some platitude about gratitude, it invalidates whatever hurt we experience. Those buried feelings do not disappear; instead, theose buried feelings resurface later as resentment, exhaustion, or burnout. Instead of finding peace in gratitude and acknowledging all parts of our experience, we get stuck in a loop of guilt and shame, feeling like we are failing simply for feeling. What would happen if we allowed both parts to be true? If we could say, “I am grateful for what I have, and I am still hurting.” Real gratitude lives in the tension between appreciation and honesty. It validates our full experience instead of gaslighting us out of it. Rarely does an experience create only a singular feeling.
When Gratitude Becomes a Form of Toxic Positivity
Gratitude is powerful, but it is not meant to be a weapon we use against ourselves. Many of us have been taught to treat gratitude as an obligation, something we should do rather than something we genuinely feel. That pressure turns into toxic positivity, a demand to perform wellness rather than experience it. And just like gaslighting, toxic positivity makes us question our own reality. It whispers, “You shouldn’t feel this bad,” even when things truly are hard. It tells us that being sad or angry means we are failing at being a happy human. The message is loud and clear: only the pleasant parts of our experience are acceptable.
Toxic positivity often hides behind what looks like encouragement. We see it in phrases like “Good vibes only,”“Everything happens for a reason,” or “At least it’s not worse.” But these statements, though well-intentioned, are actually forms of bypassing, or shortcuts we take to avoid discomfort.
Bypassing shows up in different ways. Emotional bypassing occurs when we use “positivity” to avoid or skip over difficult emotions instead of working through them. Spiritual bypassing happens when we use beliefs or practices, like gratitude, faith, or mindfulness, to explain away pain rather than make space for it. Relational bypassing happens when we encourage others to look on the bright side because their pain makes us uncomfortable.
All of these forms of bypassing are really just avoidance dressed up as perspective. They prevent us from being with and tolerating what is real. Bypassing keeps us focused on looking fine instead of feeling authentic. Similarly, when we use gratitude to bypass our pain, we end up abandoning ourselves in the process. We confuse denial with peace and repression with resilience. Real gratitude does not bypass. It does not rush us past our sadness, our anger, or our exhaustion.
Instead, genuine gratitude is expansive. It can hold grief and joy in the same breath. It allows us to say, “This is hard, and I can still find moments of steadiness.” It does not erase difficult emotions. It helps us stay with them in a way that feels honest and human.
“Other People Have It Worse” aka The Comparison Trap
A close companion to “I should be grateful” is “Other people have it worse.” On the surface, this sounds humble. In reality, suffering cannot be ranked or compared. Such comparisons are a way of minimizing our own pain by comparing it to someone else’s. Unfortunately, this mindset tries to enforce perspective by invalidating our experiences. But, gratitude built on comparison isn’t gratitude at all. It’s guilt. Pain does not need a hierarchy. Suffering does not have to be ranked to be valid. When we gaslight ourselves out of acknowledging our pain, we disconnect from authentic gratitude and spiral deeper into shame.
Redefining Gratitude: How to Feel Grateful and Authentically Us
Gratitude should never feel like a performance. When we catch ourselves saying, “I should be grateful,” it helps to pause and ask, “Am I expressing gratitude or avoiding discomfort?”
Sometimes “gratitude” becomes a socially acceptable way to gaslight ourselves into silence. Real gratitude invites honesty. It leaves room for ambivalence and acknowledges that joy and pain often coexist.
Here are a few ways we can bring gratitude into our lives without using it as a tool of self-gaslighting:
Allow Gratitude to Be a “Both/And” Practice
We can be grateful and uncomfortable. Grateful and grieving. For example, “I am grateful for my job, and I am struggling with the pressure I feel at work.” This is honest gratitude, one that expands rather than erases.Find Small Moments of Peace, Not Forced Positivity
When gratitude feels out of reach, we can focus on what feels slightly better. Asking ourselves, “What sucked less today?” is not cynicism. It is an act of self-validation. It lets gratitude grow naturally, not through pressure or denial. This was one of my favorite daily practices during the COVID-19 pandemic in 2020.Separate Gratefulness from Guilt
If gratitude comes with guilt, that is a sign we have crossed into self-gaslighting. Gratitude is about appreciation, not atonement. We are allowed to feel pain without apologizing for it.Create Our Own Gratitude Rituals, Our Way
Journaling might not be a fit for everyone, and that is okay. Gratitude can look like a mindful breath, a quiet acknowledgment, or saying out loud, “This moment feels good.” It is not about how it looks; it is about how true it feels.
Conclusion: Giving Ourselves Permission to Feel Fully
Gratitude is meant to ground us, not gaslight us. It is meant to bring depth, not denial. It is there to comfort us, not to silence us. So this November, when we catch ourselves thinking, “I should be grateful,” we can take a breath and ask, “Am I using gratitude to connect, or to dismiss what’s real?” We may find that our gratitude deepens when it is allowed to coexist with our full emotional truth.
Feeling thankful does not mean feeling good all the time. And if gratitude feels more like a burden than a balm, we can ease up. The goal is not to be perfectly positive. It is to be honest with ourselves.
Because honesty, not obligation, is where healing begins.
Book a session today, and let’s untangle the guilt, the “shoulds,” and the self-gaslighting that keep you from real rest.